I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
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