I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
