I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
