The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
