He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Randomize
