Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
and she was petting her beer can
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Randomize
