True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
