The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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