I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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