Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
