How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
