I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
