do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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