he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
