Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
He did a backflip because drugs
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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