hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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