I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
