I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
