True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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