I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
