i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I stole a fireplace last night.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
