Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
