if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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