My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
