i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
