Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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