ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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