the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
