I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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