I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Randomize
