there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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