The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
