Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
the day after is always just damage control
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
