hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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