She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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