I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
