I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
