I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
