Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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