She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
