the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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