i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
