I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
God, I missed his penis.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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