So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
