i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
