I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
