Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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