I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
