he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
