You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
