Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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